Mea Culpa
by Min Daae
Summary: Celegorm returns to Himlad and finds a visitor come and gone. He is Not Pleased. Now with more Curufin!


"We should have been back six months gone."

"We would have if not for you, delaying day after day…nearly thought I'd have to knock you over the head and bring you back over a horse."

"Don't be absurd. As if you could."

They rode back laughing, horses shoulder to shoulder as they approached Himlad, each dark sleek head angled toward the other and an enormous grey hound padding at their side. The shout went up when they were still some ways away and one of them looked up and grinned, spurring his horse into a faster trot.

No one smiled as they rode in, though – or at least, not the guards, the only ones present in the minor side gate they entered through. Swinging down into the courtyard, Celegorm's grin faded gradually, and when he thrust the reins at a stable boy, he was not smiling at all. Curufin stayed mounted, drawing his horse's head in so it pranced uneasily, champing at the bit.

"It seems there is some ill news," he said, with a deceptively mild tone. "I would sooner hear that now before I discover – oh, a breech in our defenses. As abhorrent as the notion would be."

One of the guards flushed, straightening with indignation. "No such thing, my lord. All has been well and quiet even in your absence."

Curufin snorted audibly and leapt from his mount, keeping hold of the reins, annoyance written plainly on his face as he started to turn. "Very well, never mind it. I haven't the time if it isn't so dire."

"My lord," burst out one of the younger captains, "Irissë Ar-Feiniel is come."

Celegorm froze halfway through tugging off his gloves and there was a sudden quiet. The enormous hound made a soft, low sound, not quite a growl, and his master did not look up. The captain shrank rapidly, but it was Curufin who answered, harshly.

"Where," and at his hesitation, "_Where, _you fool?"

"No longer here, my lord," he murmured, voice small. "She would not stay and wait for the lords but rode on not heeding-"

_Crack. _The leather of the glove made a sharp sound against Celegorm's thigh. "When?" There was a vibrating current of underlying something thus far completely unidentifiable in his voice.

"Not five days past, my lord." The young captain sounded apprehensive.

It was a soft growl that issued from Celegorm's throat, very like the dog pressed against his leg. He made a sharp movement toward the stables. "Then she cannot be far. I will go-"

"No." Curufin's reprimand and refusal cut across his brother's voice. "Not only would such action be foolish, futile, and irresponsible, it would be unsafe. And you don't know which way she might have gone; it may have been anywhere. I will not conscience it, Turco."

Celegorm stared at his brother, stiff and angry, unmoving. Some unspoken communication passed between them, and the muscles in his neck stood out as his jaw clenched, though he did not look away. "Did you at least send an escort with her?"

One of the older guardsmen stepped up, laying a hand reassuringly on the hapless younger boy's shoulder. "She would not accept one; and even if she would her brother's guard with her would not. And we have no men to spare."

Celegorm broke his brother's gaze as though it were a tangible iron chain. "And you allowed this?" His voice shook slightly, and he tossed his head in the following silence, holding himself fully proud and straight. "And was there any message? Or did not one think to take one among you lot of shameless fools?" Silence, still. "_Was there-_"

Curufin's hand squeezed his shoulder hard, suddenly, at his elder brother's shoulder, murmuring in his ear. Gradually Celegorm's eyes fell, though he looked no less angry, and Curufin released him. "We will speak later," he said coldly, gaze sweeping ominously over the guardsmen, and the brothers vanished into the interior, younger leading the elder, leaving a chill behind them.

**

Celegorm had been pacing back and forth for hours in the small desk-room, the slender white envelope, sealed in grey wax and unopened on the table. Curufin's opaque steel eyes, nearly a match for the wax, followed his brother's every move from where he leaned against the wall.

"She's always had a mind of her own. She only ever listened when it suited her, it used to-" He stopped, shook his head sharply – "You know that, Kurvo, don't you? But never – she's independent, I know that, and impatient, perhaps Turukáno would only allow her to be free for a limited time – he would, too…" Celegorm snuck a look at his younger brother, who only shrugged.

"Perhaps."

Celegorm shifted awkwardly for a moment, then resumed pacing. "Maybe she went hoping to find us. We used to…" His voice faded again. "She never liked to wait, for anything."

"If you're trying to convince yourself that she didn't just come here to say goodbye, you'd do better to open the letter and stop worrying."

Tyelko turned on his brother. "It's just a letter! It can't be anything important, look how thin it is, not more than one sheet of parchment-"

"It doesn't take long to write the important things, Turco. Just open the damn letter and see what it says. You're abysmal at lying and worse at doing it for yourself." Curufin shifted and let his head fall back against the wall with a 'thunk'. "Then you can pretend I'm your beloved and argue at me all you like, and I won't even object. Much."

Celegorm threw his brother an exasperated look, but he went to the table, hand hovering over the slim letter. Curufin began to look slightly annoyed.

"Or you can toss it in the fire and pretend it says whatever you want it to say. I care not. It doesn't concern me as long as you don't do anything stupid, in which case I _would _like you to inform me first."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," Celegorm said tightly, and then picked up the envelope, broke the wax, and pulled out the single sheet. It couldn't have taken him long to read it, but it was a long time before he set it down again, and quietly.

"Well?" Curufin drawled, quietly. The candle on the table flickered. Celegorm's right hand clenched.

"It is short. 'I am grieved not to have the chance to speak in person. It appears that I timed my visit poorly with respect to your other duties. I will ride tomorrow.'"

Curufin shrugged. "Says little enough."

Celegorm gritted his teeth. "It says plenty." He set the edge to the candle flame, pulled it away, blew out the flame, turned in an uneasy circle and with a sudden furious noise turned, arm sweeping the candle from the table to the floor. Curufin made a strangled sound of his own and stamped out the small flame before it could catch.

"She thinks she can- dammit! –coming here, after years of silence, only to leave again with hardly a line of explanation for herself – it is _scorn, _it is practically a _dismissal-_"

Curufin looked faintly amused, a moment, before leaning back against the wall. "And what are you going to do about it?"

"I should hunt her down and drag her back. It wouldn't be hard to find her. Huan knows her scent." He jerked around, back to his younger brother, shoulders bunched in knots. His grin from the morning might as well have been centuries ago. "But as you yourself have forbidden me that- I could send a message."

"Which would certainly prove that you were affected. Ignore it. If I had to guess, opaque as women's motives are to me, I would say she is attempting to provoke you into a response. Don't make one, and she will inevitably come back of curiosity if nothing else. You can have the conversation you so long for then."

His shoulders slumped, though he did not turn. "Kurvo…and if she doesn't come back? What if this was my one chance to explain and I lost it?"

"Then you lost it," said Curufin, dispassionately. "If she is so fickle as to not understand what your priorities must be, then she doesn't understand the meaning of our lives and has no place in yours."

Celegorm's shoulder hunched slightly, and her murmured something vaguely like 'not that simple,' but not loudly enough to answer. "If we'd only been a few days earlier…"

"You will 'if' yourself to death one day, Turco, I swear it." Curufin smiled slightly and shook his head. Let it alone."

Celegorm shook his head, slowly, eyes full of dark and growing anger. "Not yet, Kurvo. I have a letter to write first." He picked up the slightly singed letter, folded it carefully into the envelope, and tucked it into his leather jerkin. "I will join you shortly, Kurvo."

His younger brother's eyebrows rose. "Nothing you will regret, I hope?" The answering smile was thin and mirthless, the anger called back so easily as soon as it was needed, or else as soon as it had a target.

"No." He hesitated, then, just a moment. "Kurvo. Should she return…you promise me that I shall be the first to know?"

Curufin's smile was full of slightly dangerous promise. "I swear it, Turco. I wouldn't think of hindering your reconciliation." Celegorm did not smile, precisely, but nodded.

"Thank you," he said, slightly too quietly, and turned and strode down a side hall. It was only bare moments, in the faint and flicking torchlight, before he was swallowed by the flickering shadows.


End file.
